So I have never been the type to beg before. But to my utter humiliation I started crying and begging. I guess maybe I'm not dealing with this whole mass in my body thing very well.
So from the beginning. Welp, today I had a pop appointment. When I checked my email last my appointment was at 1030am. I left and arrived 15 mins early. Only to be told I was a no show because apparently my appointment was at 915am. Now I don't know if it was on me or on them, but that appointment was going to be my saving grace. Lately I've had severe nausea any time I eat which sometimes ends with throwing up, let add in number three and pain from my stomache that has me in tears. Yup , all this while going to work and school full time, while smiling and pretending to the world that I'm living my best life.
Well, I stupidly asked her if there was anyway I could just talk to my doctor for a second, and she said no everything had to be documented, and I was only allowed to reschedule. Did I calmly say ok, yes. Then I promptly started bawling, because well I hate pain, but even more I hate nausea and throwing up. In that moment I guess it finally hit me, that no one cares. If it doesn't affect them, they just don't care. It didn't matter that I was scared to death of the possibilities I was facing. I was just another paycheck to them, and they could not be bothered with me or my problems, all because I somehow got the times wrong.
So the whole drive home I bawled my eyes out, thinking holy fuck I really have no clue why I'm still here, why I'm still trying, why I'm being so nice to people who don't give a shit about me. Huge wake up call. I'm just done. I'm so tired of always being nice, always biting my lip, always smiling and pretending everything is OK. Because it's not. Nothing is fucking ok, and I'm losing my shit. I've been offered two amazing jobs paying way more than my current job, did I take them? No... why? Because I'm to fucking loyal to my boss. I come in when they call, I cover shifts I shouldn't have too, I put up with irate customers cursing me, yelling, and God awful amounts of drama. I'm told they wanna make me assistant manager, but the current assistant manager, not any of my favorite people mind you, hasn't quit. Now this "person" never covers shifts, never does thier job, always tried to get people in trouble over things they themselves won't do, but I do do them, but somehow they still retain the position. What do I make an hour? Why am I so upset?
I make a whole 10.50 an hour working for the cheapest shittiest most selfish company in this world. Because I'm at the bottom, me and my fellow workers , we don't matter. No one else in this town pays that low, everyone is either 13 something or above. And frankly this being told about a mass and cancer and everything else has me to the point of I just don't care anymore. Out of all the trauma I have faced in my life this, this is the one that breaks me? I HATE doctors that work for the money and nothing else. I hate that I have no control right now. I hate that I didn't get a say in this thing inside me without my permission. I hate it, and right now I just feel so small and insignificant that I just wanna hide and never come out again.
Instead I'm going to take back control of the only things I have control of in my life, my career, and myself. I'm going to find a job that pays the money I actually deserve, I'm gonna finish my college degree, and I'm gonna fucking survive. Because I'm angry, and I'm tired of being walked on, and used and then tossed aside. I AM JUST DONE.
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