Funny How Life Works Sometimes

Id like to think that my life is just this unique bubble floating away in space waiting for someone to come along and just pop it, so I can start a whole new journey. -Heavy sigh-. Of course that would be the loopey side of me talking. My life is certainly nothing special. I'm probably as average to the normal as I can get. However, I will say I have an unwavering determination, a bubbly personality that can bring a smile to almost anyones face, and an analytical mind unlike any that you may have seen before. Still, I think perhaps I was destined to live out my life alone.

I grew up in a small town that I currently reside near, called Fayetteville, located in the beautiful state of TN. I was in and out of foster care when I was little, and when I tell you the state will do anything they can to get their hands on kids, they will. Luckily my mom was a fighter and fought the devil himself to get us back. My mom is and always had been, my best friend and hero. She was tough on us growing up, but looking back I can understand why now. She had to be to teach us how to survive in this cruel reality we call civilization. Lets be honest our fucking world sucks. People cant afford to eat healthy, because for some crazy reason healthy food is priced higher than junk food, which leads to health issues, which leads to medical bills, ect. The list just goes on. Anyway, my moms a total bad ass. You get the point.

So far I have managed to screw my life up completely an yet still stay afloat. I ended up losing my children at one point, and then i signed my rights away so they could have a better more stable life than any I could ever give them. I will tell you that no love or things or person can ever fill that hole, because that hole is for my kids and my kids alone. My kids were my everything. In the end I made a decision for them. Not for me, because to make it I had to take my feelings out of the equation and really think about their future and what was best for them. To date no decision has ever been harder or more painful. Its like losing half of your soul and being murdered on the inside every single day, until eventually you learn to tune out the pain and function like a human being again. Maybe some day I will share that story.

So a current and brief update, here we go. Currently I am working on moving into my own place for the very first time. No kids, no partner, just me and Arcadia. Arcadia is my service dog, she works with my ptsd and depression. Long story, better left for another time. So new place, lots of work and renovations to be done, and the best part? Its mine rent free for a year, on the condition that I renovate and make it livable and rentable again. Pictures and video soon to come of what I am starting with.

Besides that I am currently in my second year of college, and dealing with major procrastination issues with my school work, and yet somehow still get it all done. Ironically I love to study, just hate doing the math problems. Yes, dreaded math is my current course, luckily next month its greek mythology!. -Happy sigh- OK let talk about my love life for a second. Yes, lots of juicy details for the reading.

So, im not the greatest at relationships, and apparently I have horrible taste in men, as a good portion of my relationships have been abusive in some form or just not compatible. I also have the issue of wanting to many things at once. For example, I am a submissive by nature, I want a dominate alpha male, but I also want the sweet charming prince that can sweep me off my feet. Lets elaborate shall we? I want Mr tie you up , spank you, make you cum so hard you cant breath , and then spoil you rotten with love and laughter, while being ferociously protective and possessive, but not in a creepy kind of way. Yeeaahhhhh, Im that kind of woman. I know, I know Mr. Perfect is not out there, but keep in mind that instead of the birds and bees talk, my mommy dearest handed me a romance novel at 13. It was the start of my downward slide into fairytales and happily ever after. Yes, of course I woke up and realized that was actually a never going to happen kind of life, but you know when your engrossed in romance novels like I have been my whole life you struggle to let that dream go.

That being said I have sworn off dating for the time being. Men just aggravate me right now. Ive probably got a case of the men are nothing but an aggravation flu right now, but I have been through a lot, so its no wonder. I'm sure in time I will figure it out, but for now, I'm gonna live my single life to the fullest. Onward and upward as they say.

Job wise, well I work at a gas station making 10.50 an hour which isn't bad. Granted im barely getting by, but its the people I work with that make my day. We will call them Tina, bradford, Markia, and Johanna. They are probably the only friends I have in the entire world, but they are the greatest people anyone could ask for. Tina is our boss, shes sassy, fired up, and monotone with a flare of spice. Bradford is a coworker, he manages the cafe, is flamboyant, openly opinionated in the best ways, and saucy with a hint of attitude. He's definitely a favorite. Markia is our ass. man, shes uniquely herself, while momming all of us will love hope and laughter, shes a key player in our group. There to pick us up and brighten our days when the storms come calling. Last but not least is Johanna, shes the kind and patient/protective one. Always listening and laughing with us, but quiet and calm, like a sunset on the beach with gentle waves lapping at your feet. Together , we all make the best team possible, and I absolutely love it. I've never really been good at making friends, but I try to keep them close when I do.

Gosh there is just so much to tell , and so little time and space to get it all down. Good thing this is for a year only. You guys will be sick of me by the time I am through. I probably need to close this, because if I dont ill keep talking. Lets see, one more thing I can tell you about me that's significant. Maybe the way I look at life. I grew up being taught christian policies and principals, but the older I got the more I realized to 99% of christians it was just a cover up to the real them. I watched people act one way at church only to go home or out in public and act a completely different way. Its like cultural standards were holding them hostage. So I began to experiment a little. Going to different churches, looking for answers, only to eventually find them in myself. I believe there is a higher being. I believe that higher being is made of pure light, hope, and goodness, and the love that only a parent could have for their sons and daughters, and in betweens. However, I dont believe we were put here for anything other than to just live. To take each moment, day, and minute in stride. to just live life to the fullest, and learn every lesson we possibly can.

I believe that everyone struggles in one way or another, and sometimes we just need a smiling face or a good laugh to help us push through to the next day. I don't judge anyone, because in my mind when I look at the person standing in front of me, whether they are having a bad day or not, I try to take in the many different possibilities of why they could be acting the way they do or what could have happened to make them just want to give up or be cruel. Maybe it was how they were raised, maybe it was something dark that no one saved them from, maybe theres to much pressure from the outside world, maybe they are just tired and bone weary. I feel like that some days. Its probably why I am good at my job, because I see a face that needs to smile, and the light just kinda shines out of me, and despite how they may act, I realize that my smile or laughter, or jokes may be the only thing good to come about their whole day. That can be really important. Sometimes you can be the turning point in some ones day, so I always tell people its important to be a bright turning point and not a dark one.

I look around me, and remind myself everyday that despite all the hurt and trauma I have been through, someone has always been through worse. I think maybe through the trauma and pain in my life, I somehow learned to keep going , keep pushing. I stopped trying to understand the cruelty in the world. Theres no point to trying to understand it, because regardless it will still be there. Perhaps I try to be kind and see the good in people because I know the pain of life so well, and I dont want anyone else to feel that pain or hurt or loneliness. I'm not saying I'm a saint, far from it, but I do understand in a way that others might not ever understand. Anyway, welcome to all of you, and I promise not all my post will be this long, this is just kind of an intro of sorts. Welcome to the craziness of just me!